Amanda Holden has shared a deeply personal insight into how she came to terms with the devastating loss of her stillborn son Theo — revealing that more than a decade later, the grief remains part of who she is.
The 54-year-old presenter fought back tears during a candid conversation with close friend Alan Carr on Friday night’s episode of the BBC series Amanda & Alan’s Greek Job, as she reflected on losing her son at seven months pregnant in 2011.
Opening up about how she processed the tragedy, Amanda explained that she never felt anger or blame — instead finding peace through her own deeply personal way of understanding loss.
“When we lost Theo, there wasn’t one moment where I thought, ‘Why has this happened to me?’” she said quietly.
“But there also wasn’t a moment where I blamed God or anything like that. The way I accepted it was to say that he chose me — just for those few months — to see what it was like to live, to develop, to be in the universe. And then the universe took him back.”
Amanda stressed that her belief was not religious, but something she needed in order to survive emotionally.
“I don’t think that’s religious,” she continued. “I let him go back. I felt like he went back into the universe. He’s out there. He’s still part of our family. That was the only way I could make sense of it.”
The Britain’s Got Talent judge added that despite Theo being “born sleeping”, he was perfect — and will always be counted as her child.
“I was like, gosh, I was so lucky to have him for all that time,” she said, visibly emotional. “And even though he was born sleeping, he was perfect. And I always, always say I’m a mother of three. Always. Because I am.”
Amanda shares daughters Alexa, 20, and Hollie, 13, with her husband Chris Hughes, whom she married in 2008.
She has spoken publicly about Theo’s loss over the years in a bid to help other parents navigating similar heartbreak.
In 2011, Amanda was seven months pregnant when a routine scan revealed that Theo’s heart had stopped beating.
She and Chris then made the devastating decision to undergo a caesarean following his passing.
In 2024, Amanda marked what would have been Theo’s birthday with a poignant tribute, writing: “You would have become a teenager today… #Theo”.
She has also been open about the trauma surrounding the language used by medical professionals at the time.
In September 2022, Amanda revealed she felt like a “game show contestant” after a doctor told her she was “going home empty handed” following the stillbirth.
Speaking previously on her Heart Breakfast radio show, Amanda described the experience as “awful” and said she hopes charities like Aching Arms can help educate staff on how to support grieving parents with greater sensitivity.
“I remember being moved into another room so I didn’t have to hear the babies crying on a normal ward,” she said. “That meant everything. But then afterwards someone said to me, ‘I know you’re going home empty handed.’”
“I felt like some sort of contestant. It’s those little things — the language — that stays with you.”
Amanda has since worked closely with baby loss charities, including Aching Arms, raising money and awareness through fundraising challenges such as the 3 Peaks Challenge.
She has also spoken movingly about the nurses who supported her during the darkest period of her life.
“I never know if I talk about this too much,” she admitted while marking Nurses Day. “But when we lost Theo, the hospital staff were unbelievable.”
She went on to thank nurses by name, saying they helped her survive something she never imagined she would face.
More than 14 years on, Amanda continues to speak openly — not because the pain has faded, but because she believes sharing her story may help others feel less alone.
And for her, one thing has never changed.
She is — and always will be — a mother of three.
